Disadvantages of the Aging Process
Old Paul instructs you with coping mechanisms and inspiration
Congratulations, you made it to old age. This means you didn’t do anything too stupid, unlike these guys. As you can see, they are trying to take apart the very cliffs upon which they stand.
In their case, natural selection failed its mission. Perhaps it did in your case also. However that may be, there are a few things you still have to watch out for.
Your Fly Is Down
As an old geezer, your fly is at half mast or lower way more often than formerly.
You zip in and out of men’s or all-gender restroom on autopilot. Unfortunately, for you, autopilot no longer includes the restoration of your fly to its original position.
In Charlotte International Airport recently I realized my zipper was down. To make matters worse, part of my shirt was sticking out. Worse, I had walked one of those interminable corridors like that. They may as well have gotten on the loudspeaker:
Paging passenger Paul Hossfield. Your fly is down.
What to do? This will require a major readjustment. Oh thank God! There’s another restroom nearby. I won’t be tempted to correct this problem out here in the corridor. Honest, officer, I wasn’t trying to flash anybody! I’m not a pervert! Hey listen, you will be old before you know it, so go easy!
An airport corridor is far from the worst place for this heart-stopping wardrobe malfunction. Recently, it happened to me on stage.
As some of you may know, I do a fair bit of performing, sometimes before audiences of considerable size. Recently, I walked onto the stage of the Providence Performing Arts Center, part of a group of about twelve vocalists, only to realize autopilot failed me again. I hadn’t done my usual before-I-step-out zipper check. It was down. How did I even know? I hereby instruct you not to think too hard about that.
What to do?
Zip it up while facing the audience? Just. No. Without making a fuss I turned my back to the audience long enough to correct the problem. Thankfully there were no ancillary problems so the process took maybe two seconds.
When I turned back around I didn’t see people covering their mouths and pointing at me, so I figured I got away with it. But with the spotlights in my face the audience wasn’t easily seen. Doubts plague me still.
Life is a choking hazard
Some time in March I was in Providence with my Band. We were getting ready to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, which was taking place a week early, because — Providence. One of my bandies had a flask. I reached for it. He passed it to me.
I took a nice big swig only to realize I’d made a mistake. Possibly a big mistake. Possibly a very big mistake. Some of the zillion-proof liquid entered my trachea.¹ I could not breathe!
My throat clenched tighter than my anal sphincter when I am desperately trying to prevent total humiliation in a public place, with the difference that I was not in any sort of control of this clench.
Fortunately, I am an experienced choking incident survivor. Pay attention. The following information may save your life.
Rule #1: Don’t panic. Every axon, synapse, dendrite, and Schwann cell in your body is beside itself with terror, but you must remain calm. Otherwise, you will ring down that final curtain upon yourself.
Assuming you don’t have a thing stuck in your throat, but rather some irritating liquid made its way into forbidden territory:
Step #1: Raise your two hands in the air, palms out, to indicate that no one should start pounding your back. Otherwise, they might kill you.²
I flashed on the thought, “Oh, now this is just great. Not only am I going to die but I’m going to ruin everybody’s day in the process. We were all having a great time until that doofus Paul decided to go and croak on us!”
Step #2: Begin to draw a tiny stream of air into your lungs. The tinier it is, the lower the possibility that you might make matters worse. Though your body screams at you more! more! more! you must be content. Don’t get greedy. Try not to pass out. You will soon return to normal, except that no witness to the incident will pass a flask your way again. Ever.
She’s not that into you
You are at a gathering of some sort and you could swear the woman you are talking to is hitting on you.
What? AYFKM? Have you looked in a mirror lately? I didn’t think so. If you look anything like me, you make every effort not to.
Unless you are a silver fox with at least 100M in the bank, let me spare you humiliation of similar magnitude to that time you shat yourself in kindergarten.
Find a full length mirror
Take off all your clothes
Stand in front of said mirror
Look
Do you see your protruding gut? Your former innie that now looks like somebody’s thumb is sticking out of it? Your moobs? Your pathetic junk under there somewhere? What do you fail to understand?
Perhaps you are a generally nice guy and she thinks you might make a good friend. Lean into that. According to science, old people with friends live longer and better.
According to logic, good sense, and biology, you don’t need sex. Stop listening to big pharma. I don’t care what anybody says. Old people’s drug-enabled sex is pathetic.
What you need is friendship.
Don’t take my word for it. Ask science.
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